Quick Reads

Declan Rice is a finally a gunner. You gerrit? If you don’t gerrit, furget abourrit – this one is not for you. Moving on, Cameroon national Andre Onana already set foot in Manchester. Lionel Messi left Paris for Miami, reuniting with his old friend Sergio Busquets. Wonder kid Jude Bellingham signed for Los Blancos. Karim Benzema, Ngolo Kante, Jordan Henderson, Riyad Mahrez, Sadio Mane, Marcelo Brozovic, Kalidou Koilibaly, Edouard Mendy and Roberto Firmino have all left Europe to join the GOAT in Saudi Arabia. And a ton of other players have changed their workstations. Some are following the money. Some have outgrown their current environments and need to optimise their potential elsewhere. Others have their best years behind them and have no option but to retire gracefully. No matter their reasons for leaving, they have a whole adventure ahead of them. It is always exciting to be in a new place. Joining a new team. Occupying a new space. Meeting new people. Experiencing change. Sometimes change leads to disaster. Like Alexis Sanchez leaving Arsenal at his peak, only to score three Premier League goals at Manchester United in thirty two appearances. Sometimes change rejects you. Like Eden Hazard leaving Chelsea […]

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The other day my friend Sam dragged me to his local somewhere along Thika Road. It was reggae night. Sam is crazy about reggae. I don’t care much for reggae music so I was not that amused. We get there and the place is packed. Sam is a regular here so Shiro, his favourite waitress, manages to secure us sitting next to this dreadlocked couple. They are chewing a fat bunch of what looks like freshly plucked khat. They welcome us warmly and continue draining their half-full bottle of Gordons. ”Kawaida” Sam makes the order. Shiro brings our drinks and after blessing our departed, we start to imbibe. The place is painted red, yellow and green. Bob Marley is smiling down on us from the murals and paintings across the hall. The music is loud. The MC keeps interrupting the music with his commentary. His little jokes are hilarious I have to admit, but annoying at the same time. Maybe it is because he is a tad too personal. Tarrus Riley is next on the decks. The MC does the thing again. MC: ”If you feel like you have me wrapped around your little finger…” Crowd: ”You’re Wrong! MC: ”Kama […]

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When I joined campus a couple of years back, I was of the idea that I had arrived at this magical place where hot girls would constantly throw themselves at me. I envisioned being surrounded by the hottest of them all, in all shapes, colours and sizes. Like those in Rick Ross’s music videos. Until half a semester later when reality started sinking in. My pot was deficient of one vital ingredient. Affluence. Apparently, my averagely pretty smile and roasted coffee complexion were not enough to entertain these hot girls. Now, these hot girls are just ordinary girls but with some cheap make-up, a wig that has seen better days, fake nails and a high-pitched twang. They are the Pro Max version of your ordinary girl. Similar features, just well packaged. Like Panadol Extra. Megan Thee Stallion wannabes. They call themselves bad bitches. Because of all these ‘premium’ features, these wannabes cannot bring themselves to spend a weekend in a bedbug-infested hostel room watching ‘Three Idiots’ on a fourteen-inch overheating laptop. What is Imax for? Their not-so-flat tummies cannot digest ugali mayai sukuma served on a faded melamine plate. Haven’t you heard of Pizza? They can not drink Chrome Gin […]

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You ever gone on a first date with someone and they ghosted you right after? Not even that text checking if you got home safe. Or asking if you enjoyed the dinner. And absolutely no “we should do this again” or “I hope you had a good time”. You are left wondering what you did wrong. Maybe you chewed too loudly. Or ordered the kind of food he could not pronounce, and went ahead to clear your plate before he did his. Or you sneezed without covering your mouth. Or was it because you excused yourself to answer the phone? But it was work. He should understand, right? These bills don’t pay themselves. Or maybe you were too forthright with him. Now you are confused. You thought guys liked that. You know, a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. Or was it because you offered to pay the bill? That should score you points not drop them, right? Ughhh. This dating thing. This is the third man to ghost you after a first date in the last six months. What the hell could be wrong with you? You have a job and some money of your […]

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One of the things we have trouble accepting is the sad fact that our childhood is over. Maybe it’s because of how instantaneous the transition to adulthood is. One morning you are daddy’s little cute girl, without a care in the world; the next, you are just a girl, no longer little, no longer cute. Just a girl with a pile of responsibilities, bills and deadlines. People no longer ask you what you wanna do when you grow up. Now they ask you what you actually do. Sometimes you stammer coming up with the right response that will make them not pry further. Sometimes you exaggerate. Other times you just tell them the truth. It’s not what you used to dream of doing just yesterday when you were daddy’s little cute girl, but it’s something. Everything around you has changed. You now work for a living. You buy your own food and you have your own place. Your taste in music and fashion has improved. People take you a little more seriously. You even have a gynaecologist. And an entirely new set of friends. The ones from your childhood are scattered in different places and it has become increasingly difficult […]

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You can tell a lot about someone by what is stuffed between the back of their phone and their phone case. The contents can range from an extra SIM card, a SIM card tray ejector, an SD card, their Identity card, an ATM card, a passport photo of themselves, several business cards, a spare key, a few sticky notes and some cash. A simple phone that would usually weigh around 150 grams ends up being twice as heavy. And that is just on the outside. Inside their phones are dozens of applications that have not been opened in weeks. The gallery is filled with photos, videos, screenshots and memes. Their contact list has hundreds of numbers, some they no longer even remember who they belong to. And it does not end with their phones. Their environment is filled with dozens of stuff that hopefully, will come in handy one day. Sitting cozily on the TV stand is the box their new phone came in, Movie DVDs that they binged three months ago, the installation manual for the GOTv decoder, three remote controls and a bunch of coins. The kitchen is filled with empty packaging containers and bottles, shopping receipts from […]

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Have you wondered how someone on the streets still recognised you even when your mask was up to your nose? Sometimes you even had a hat on but they still identified you. It’s your eyes. The mirror to a man’s soul, in Shakespeare’s words. They snitch on you by expressing the reality of your inner being, despite what the mouth says. They can reveal if you have been crying even if you are smiling. Or if you are in pain. Or sad. They can disclose if you are lying. Or if you are just shy. They can tell if you are exhausted. Or angry. Or bored. Or intoxicated. Or hung over. Or just sleepy. They can even divulge if you are lusting over someone. Or completely disinterested. They can break down your entire personality without you uttering a single word. They can tell the state of your health and the state of your wealth. They can even be used to estimate your age! Your eyes send and receive messages all the time. Like when someone says something stupid to you and you just roll your eyes at them. They get the message. They need to shut the fuck up. When […]

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Do you remember the first time they told you ‘We’ll get back to you‘ after a job interview? You would get up earlier than you normally do and refresh your emails as if corporate organizations somehow send emails in the middle of the night. You amplified your caller ring volume and added that vibration setting in case they called you while you were aboard those noisy matatus to your place. You even quit all form of drugs just in case this organization does that drug test thing before they hire someone. Then a week passed and they had not gotten back to you. Well, maybe they do take their time. You know, good things take time. Another week passed by. No calls. No emails. A month. Three months. Nothing. And then it hit you. Their word meant nothing. They were never going to get back to you. You had spent Ksh. 1,050 applying for a certificate of good conduct for nothing. You had cleared your Tala loan and paid Ksh. 2,200 getting that Credit Reference Bureau clearance certificate for nothing. You had shaved the baby locks you had been nurturing for the longest time, for nothing. You now owned a […]

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Life is all fun and games until you get stuck in an elevator, by yourself. At first, you console yourself that it is just a technical hitch. Maybe the power went out. Ten seconds pass by. Nothing happens. Fifteen seconds. Don’t they have back -up generators here? Thirty seconds. Suddenly, the elevator lunges down and stops abruptly, jolting you to the reality that you are trapped in a fifteen square feet metallic cell. Your first reflex action is to press the open button. There is no reaction. You ring the bell. It is as dead as a dodo. You frantically run your index finger on all the other buttons hoping one of them will activate the rest. They are all unresponsive. You grab your phone and dial the emergency number right above the buttons. It is out of service. The elevator briskly lurches downwards again, this time at a jaw clenching speed before stopping instantaneously, followed by a blanket of darkness. The lights have gone out. That’s it, you think to yourself. I am screwed. You have seen this in the movies. The only way to save yourself would be climbing out and scaling down the greasy wires with your […]

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Nearly every woman has this girl – only committee that vets every guy before he is allowed to hit it off with any of them. It is composed of three or four of her close friends with an occasional elder sister, cousin or young aunt. They call each other words like ‘Sis’ or ‘Mami’. They are spoilers. Cockblockers. Brutally thorough and ruthless, they subject every potential boyfriend to an imaginary interview with a long list of checkboxes. Baby daddy? Mama’s boy? Lives with his parents? Manwhore? Married? Divorced? If divorced, reason for divorce? Has a job? Owns a car? Who are his friends? Is he the alpha among his friends? Physical abuser? Does he have a fashion sense? What tribe is he? Smokes? Drinks? Overly active on social media? Bla bla bla. Men hate them. You cannot blame them though. Imagine meeting a beautiful, intelligent and fine girl, just the way you like them. You shoot your shot, and like the smart handsome chap that you are, you score. Only for V.A.R to overturn it (Ladies, ask any adult male next to you what V.A.R is). You do not even get a chance, simply because you are light-skinned and Shiko […]

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