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Cap'n Write

Quick Reads

Transfer Window

Declan Rice is a finally a gunner. You gerrit? If you don’t gerrit, furget abourrit – this one is not for you. Moving on, Cameroon national Andre Onana already set foot in Manchester. Lionel Messi left Paris for Miami, reuniting with his old friend Sergio Busquets. Wonder kid Jude Bellingham signed for Los Blancos. Karim Benzema, Ngolo Kante, Jordan Henderson, Riyad Mahrez, Sadio Mane, Marcelo Brozovic, Kalidou Koilibaly, Edouard Mendy and Roberto Firmino have all left Europe to join the GOAT in Saudi Arabia. And a ton of other players have changed their workstations. Some are following the money. Some have outgrown their current environments and need to optimise their potential elsewhere. Others have their best years behind them and have no option but to retire gracefully. No matter their reasons for leaving, they have a whole adventure ahead of them. It is always exciting to be in a new place. Joining a new team. Occupying a new space. Meeting new people. Experiencing change. Sometimes change leads to disaster. Like Alexis Sanchez leaving Arsenal at his peak, only to score three Premier League goals at Manchester United in thirty two appearances. Sometimes change rejects you. Like Eden Hazard leaving Chelsea […]

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Ladies and Gentlemen

Sisters before Misters

She always thought his smile was cute. She thought his jokes were funny. She marveled at his style. His physique. His aura. He was her dream man and she was pathetically in love with him. She wished he was hers, all for herself. But he couldn’t be hers and her best friend’s at the same time. Her best friend Kate had been dating Mark for the past half year. It ate her up, seeing them together. This was the longest relationship Kate had been in, in years. Kate had this little habit of finding fault in all her partners. If he didn’t snore too loudly, he had a deep vernacular accent. If he didn’t speak too much, he did not understand her love language. If he wasn’t too hairy, he had ugly toes. Kate would always come up with weird excuses to end the relationship weeks into thinking she had found her soulmate. But Mark was perfect. Too perfect that Kate’s best friend had jokingly warned her that if she let him fly away, she should not be surprised if he wound up in her nest. At first, it seemed like a far-fetched joke between two friends but the possibility […]

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Lifestyle, Uncategorized

Brother Peter

There is something enchanting about a lady in uniform. A nurse, a police officer, an air hostess, an usher, a member of the choir or even a student. They are different from all of us in ordinary attire. They stand there in groups, looking all alike, yet so different. Wait till they start doing coordinated activities. A sight to behold. But there is someone who shivers every time they see a lady in school uniform. His name is Pinchez. So what is with Pinchez and school uniforms? But before that, what sort of name is Pinchez? Pinchez is ghetto for Peter. Like Simon Peter from the scriptures, Peter was devotedly pious his whole life. He had even been appointed as the Chairperson of the Christian Union back at XXXX Boys High School. He was a saint. He exuded such a righteous lifestyle that it earned him the nickname Apostle. He scored his B+ and joined JKUAT Main campus to pursue a Bachelor in Architecture. As any other celestial shepherd of the flock would do, he joined the University Christian Union Chapter and immediately got elected to some semi – senior position in the union executive committee. You must have known […]

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Quick Reads

Dreams of Brighter Days

The other day my friend Sam dragged me to his local somewhere along Thika Road. It was reggae night. Sam is crazy about reggae. I don’t care much for reggae music so I was not that amused. We get there and the place is packed. Sam is a regular here so Shiro, his favourite waitress, manages to secure us sitting next to this dreadlocked couple. They are chewing a fat bunch of what looks like freshly plucked khat. They welcome us warmly and continue draining their half-full bottle of Gordons. ”Kawaida” Sam makes the order. Shiro brings our drinks and after blessing our departed, we start to imbibe. The place is painted red, yellow and green. Bob Marley is smiling down on us from the murals and paintings across the hall. The music is loud. The MC keeps interrupting the music with his commentary. His little jokes are hilarious I have to admit, but annoying at the same time. Maybe it is because he is a tad too personal. Tarrus Riley is next on the decks. The MC does the thing again. MC: ”If you feel like you have me wrapped around your little finger…” Crowd: ”You’re Wrong! MC: ”Kama […]

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Quick Reads

Butterfly Doors

When I joined campus a couple of years back, I was of the idea that I had arrived at this magical place where hot girls would constantly throw themselves at me. I envisioned being surrounded by the hottest of them all, in all shapes, colours and sizes. Like those in Rick Ross’s music videos. Until half a semester later when reality started sinking in. My pot was deficient of one vital ingredient. Affluence. Apparently, my averagely pretty smile and roasted coffee complexion were not enough to entertain these hot girls. Now, these hot girls are just ordinary girls but with some cheap make-up, a wig that has seen better days, fake nails and a high-pitched twang. They are the Pro Max version of your ordinary girl. Similar features, just well packaged. Like Panadol Extra. Megan Thee Stallion wannabes. They call themselves bad bitches. Because of all these ‘premium’ features, these wannabes cannot bring themselves to spend a weekend in a bedbug-infested hostel room watching ‘Three Idiots’ on a fourteen-inch overheating laptop. What is Imax for? Their not-so-flat tummies cannot digest ugali mayai sukuma served on a faded melamine plate. Haven’t you heard of Pizza? They can not drink Chrome Gin […]

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Featured

XXVII

So today I turn 27. I don’t know about you but odd numbers don’t amuse me. They seem incomplete. So I’ll just prefer to say I am in my late twenties. I’m not really sure whether to be excited I can now be allowed into XS Millionaires or to be worried that I am now closer to 50 than I am to 0. Either way, I am grateful for the new chapter I have just begun. 26 was tough. In fact, it was the toughest. COVID 19 took away my income. Then it took away my mother. Today would have been one of those days she would have had justifiable cause to demand for a grandchild, for the umpteenth time. Every time she did this, I would claim that I was not ready and she would say that being ready is a mindset, not a destination. She’d demand that I go ahead and start whatever it is I wanted to, where I was, with the little I had. She said one’s twenties are for taking big risks and making mistakes. Doing that thing that you have always wanted to do, no matter how much it scares you. Today, in her […]

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Quick Reads

”Sure. Drop Pin.”

You ever gone on a first date with someone and they ghosted you right after? Not even that text checking if you got home safe. Or asking if you enjoyed the dinner. And absolutely no “we should do this again” or “I hope you had a good time”. You are left wondering what you did wrong. Maybe you chewed too loudly. Or ordered the kind of food he could not pronounce, and went ahead to clear your plate before he did his. Or you sneezed without covering your mouth. Or was it because you excused yourself to answer the phone? But it was work. He should understand, right? These bills don’t pay themselves. Or maybe you were too forthright with him. Now you are confused. You thought guys liked that. You know, a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. Or was it because you offered to pay the bill? That should score you points not drop them, right? Ughhh. This dating thing. This is the third man to ghost you after a first date in the last six months. What the hell could be wrong with you? You have a job and some money of your […]

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Featured

Rustyke Sophistications

Rust is ugly. It corrodes beautiful things and turns them into just pieces of metal. Even its chemical formula is nothing to write home about. Fe3O4. Looks like a nuclear bomb launch code somewhere in North Korea. On the other hand, its adjective form is beautiful. Rustic. It’s chic and artistic. Aesthetically pleasing to the eye and nourishing to the soul. Its simplicity breaks the abundance of all the urban trends, offering a fresh breath of warm distinctiveness. It inspires creativity. It exudes luxury. It radiates class. It tells of your personality without you saying a word. It can be as simple as a leather strap on your wristwatch or as complex as a country farm, complete with acres of pasture and a castle made of oak. A ligneous lampshade on your dresser or pallet shelves in your kitchen. Leather upholstery for your car seats or the vintage car itself. A laptop skin for your PC or the bag you carry it in. A wooden coffee table in your living room or the homespun mat beneath it. A treen watch on your wall or the wallpaper behind it. Whatever it is, Rustyke Sophistications have got it. Rustyke is to rustic […]

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Quick Reads

Meta Morphe

One of the things we have trouble accepting is the sad fact that our childhood is over. Maybe it’s because of how instantaneous the transition to adulthood is. One morning you are daddy’s little cute girl, without a care in the world; the next, you are just a girl, no longer little, no longer cute. Just a girl with a pile of responsibilities, bills and deadlines. People no longer ask you what you wanna do when you grow up. Now they ask you what you actually do. Sometimes you stammer coming up with the right response that will make them not pry further. Sometimes you exaggerate. Other times you just tell them the truth. It’s not what you used to dream of doing just yesterday when you were daddy’s little cute girl, but it’s something. Everything around you has changed. You now work for a living. You buy your own food and you have your own place. Your taste in music and fashion has improved. People take you a little more seriously. You even have a gynaecologist. And an entirely new set of friends. The ones from your childhood are scattered in different places and it has become increasingly difficult […]

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Quick Reads

Let It Go

You can tell a lot about someone by what is stuffed between the back of their phone and their phone case. The contents can range from an extra SIM card, a SIM card tray ejector, an SD card, their Identity card, an ATM card, a passport photo of themselves, several business cards, a spare key, a few sticky notes and some cash. A simple phone that would usually weigh around 150 grams ends up being twice as heavy. And that is just on the outside. Inside their phones are dozens of applications that have not been opened in weeks. The gallery is filled with photos, videos, screenshots and memes. Their contact list has hundreds of numbers, some they no longer even remember who they belong to. And it does not end with their phones. Their environment is filled with dozens of stuff that hopefully, will come in handy one day. Sitting cozily on the TV stand is the box their new phone came in, Movie DVDs that they binged three months ago, the installation manual for the GOTv decoder, three remote controls and a bunch of coins. The kitchen is filled with empty packaging containers and bottles, shopping receipts from […]

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