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Cap'n Write

Quick Reads

When He Really Likes You

When a man really likes you, he will be your therapist. He will want to know every little thing about you. Are you a morning or an evening person? Why did it not work out with your ex? When, and to whom, did you lose your virginity? Why don’t you talk to your best friend anymore? What is your body count? What is your favourite style? He will listen to all the blabber without getting bored. He will remember most of it and will occasionally bring it up in subsequent conversations. He will keep tabs on what is going on with you at work, school, church or wherever you spend most of your time at. He will stalk you on every social channel and will turn on push notifications to be the first to know when you post. He will make sure he leaves a flattery comment. ”Daaamn 😍😍🥰🥰”. Everyone has to know that he likes you. When he really likes you, he will let you steal and keep his favourite hoodie. His new college jacket too. He will say they look better on you. He will know your shoe size, bra size, waist size, hips size and sanitary pad […]

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May 20, 2020 by
Uncategorized

When He Really Likes You – Guest Version

Written By Monica Njeri. [ Instagram: @__njeri.__ ] When a man likes you, he will call you every evening and ask how your day was. He will not complain about having to be the one calling all the time. He will force you to say you love him at the end of the call. He will invite you over to his house on weekends, and lure you with “nitakupikia”. He will wash the house and tidy up before you arrive. He will make you a nice meal and serve you a glass of wine, or some coke or sprite soda. On other days, he will ask you out for bowling at Village Market. His friends will come and he will introduce you and refer to you as ‘mama’ or ‘ mine’ depending on your love. When a man really likes you, he’ll get jealous when a huge bearded man tries to hit on you in the club. He will ask you to keep off, or even say he’s had enough and that you should go home, or he’ll try to pick a fight, depending on how drunk he is. When a man really likes you, he’ll ask you to dress […]

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May 18, 2020 by
Quick Reads

When she really likes you

When she really likes you, she will tell you everything that is going on in her life. How her day went. What she ate for lunch and why she cannot have the same for dinner. What she wore to work and how it made her ass look. How some lame dude tried to hit on her the other day. She will tell you about her cat. Her period. Her allergies. Her bestie. Her other friends and what they think of you. How many children she wants to have if she wants to at all. She will blab on and on about her favourite music. The best movie she has ever watched. All the places she wants to visit as soon as she can afford it. She will dig a little into her past. How plump she was in high school. How she cheated in exams back at campus. How lame her exes were. Every little thing. You don’t even need to ask. The conversation just flows. She talks and you listen. She talks until she is out of breath. Occasionally, you throw in a ”Waah” or a ”No way”. A ”Whaaaat?” and a ”Daaamn!”. And she responds with ”Imagine!”. Her […]

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May 13, 2020 by
Quick Reads

Matumbo

Did you know that matumbo have no nutritional value? Yeah, me neither. Zero. As in, nothing. Eating matumbo does to your body what nominated senators and/or MPs do in Parliament. Nothing. It all adds up now, doesn’t it? Why the British call it tripe, which is also a synonym for rubbish. Why this delicacy is so inexpensive that a cut worth Ksh 200 fills up your biggest sauce pan. The one you use to mash your mukimo. Why your husband is that skinny, despite eating five meals a day. Tripe happens to be his favourite meal. He enjoys chewing the rough linings. He says it strengthens his teeth. He has beautiful teeth. A bright smile. A handsome face. American height. But a skinny body. And now you kinda know why. His mother will stop blaming you for his malnutrition. ‘Smells nice’ he says, opening up the large saucepan. The one you use to mash your mukimo. His eyebrows rise at the sight of all the colour. Carrots, green peas, french beans, beetroot, potatoes, celery and a small strand of coriander hanging aimlessly at the top. ‘What is this?’ ‘They’re called mixed vegetables’ ‘I can see why,’ ‘No more matumbo. From […]

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May 11, 2020 by
Lifestyle

Four Twennie

There is a certain bond that forms between people who do illegal things together. Like smoking cannabis. Cannabis sativa. What’s that, you asked? Marijuana. Herb. Ganja. Pot. Bhang. If you are from Kilimani and its environs, you probably know it as Mary Jane. And you inhale it using a vaporiser. But if you are from Juja, you definitely know it as kishada. Or kitire. Or kivela. And you smoke it as it is. What vaporiser? The natural green plant. This bond is unexplainable. People who have just met become close buddies after a smoke session. Their energies synchronise and they open up to each other. They laugh at each other’s lame jokes and listen to each other’s senseless stories without any comprehension. Their thoughts align and they agree on almost everything. They play some music and the lyrics speak directly to their souls. Later, they binge a funny movie and keep rewinding the hilarious parts, every thirty seconds. When the munchies kick in, the spices in the food caresses their tongues. It’s a heavenly feeling. The sad thing about it is that it’s temporary. After a moment, your brain cells adjust to reality. You need to go to work, or […]

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April 20, 2020 by
Ladies and Gentlemen

The Other Woman

There is a certain pain you feel when you see the man you like flirting with another woman. Even if this other woman is his wife. You feel like someone dug a pepper-sprayed javelin straight to your insides. Your throat aches as if you just gulped down a mouthful of tar. You give this other woman the look and curse under your breath. You just cannot understand what she has over you. You are thicker. Not in the head, physically. Your fashion sense speaks flamboyance while hers is just there. Your accent – My God! People just want to listen to you even if you are speaking gibberish. Her, she just speaks. Just ordinary words coming through her lipstick – free lips with no style. The fact that this other woman is your colleague at work does not make things easier. You have to see and pretend to like her guts every single day. You have to pretend to not care whenever she talks about him, for the eleventh time every day. You have to restrain yourself from staring down at his bright smile on the mounted photo of him and her sitting comfortably at her desk. Some colleagues tease […]

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April 3, 2020 by
Featured

Guest Writer, Anyone?

Being a writer is hard. You open up your PC, type three hundred words, read them over and you long-press the backspace key profusely. Sometimes you just stare at your screen blankly, with a brilliant story in your head but no words to express it. Sometimes you actually run out of Character names to use (Yes, that happens quite a lot). Other times the story will just not make any sense, no matter how much you try to twist it. But I am grateful to everyone who has supported me through this journey. Those who call to ask when the next story will roll; those who text me and request that I forward them the link to the recent story; those who ask me to write about them (bold people, these ones); those who constantly nag me about writing a book; those who actually read the stories and critique them, I am and will forever be grateful. In this spirit, I would want to support any upcoming writer by publishing their stories on my blog. Guest Writing is what they call it around here. We shall do this once every month. If you are interested, drop me a line here: […]

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April 1, 2020 by
Ladies and Gentlemen, Lifestyle

Bread and Butter

Moving is a nightmare. The thought of lifting countless boxes up an endless flight of stairs, over and over, is sickening. But what do you do when your four – year old son starts demanding his own room? You upgrade from your bedsitter and get yourself a cosy two – bedroomed flat in a middle – class neighbourhood like Ruaka. It’s also about time Brandon goes to school and Ruaka is full of some great kindergartens. A two bedroomed house in Ruaka is not very pocket – friendly but this move is necessary. Brandon will get the extra bedroom he has always wanted and you will console yourself that you now have more space in the living room. You can skip your rope there in your quest to shed off the extra fat around your waist. It’s also a perfect spot for your early morning squats. So you call Cube Movers and all your belongings are neatly boxed and headed to Two Rivers View Apartments. Your new crib is on the right wing of the sixth floor. The movers do a good job and before long, you are all settled in. Brandon cannot stop admiring the wall paintings you got […]

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March 22, 2020 by
Ladies and Gentlemen, Lifestyle

Puppy Eyes

It caught her by surprise. It’s not every day that your boyfriend of three years proposes in the presence of all your friends and some of his. It was supposed to be just a small birthday party. Well, your age is no longer a small number, but still, nobody had seen this coming. You weren’t even keen on hosting this party and were it not for Adam’s insistence, not many people would have known you were turning twenty-eight. Now it made a lot of sense. How Adam was so excited about the party; how he had made arrangements for the barbecue, drinks and music. He even went ahead to handle the invitations, personally reaching out to all your friends and some of his. These friends now have all their eyes on you, eagerly awaiting your response, as Adam looks up to you, on one knee, grinning from ear to ear. The diamond on the ring on Adam’s right hand is enormous. It would look perfect on your finger. It is sparkling against the camera lights as they shutter away from all angles. You look around. Your besties are giggling in excitement. A band starts to play some music. They have […]

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February 23, 2020 by
Featured

Are You Sure?

You have just finished your KCSE exams. Four years of your life have been evaluated in just three weeks. You find yourself quite broke but you are comforted by the fact that you can now wake up after the sun has risen. Hmm, I should get me a job or something before I join campus, you think to yourself. You phone that uncle of yours that always kept telling you to look for him as soon as you were done with your exams. He owns an Insurance firm and he can get you something to keep you busy in exchange for a small stipend. He is happy to hear from you. You ask about your cousins and your aunt. They are all fine. Then he proceeds to break your heart. ‘The economy is not doing very well, as you can see on the news. But you do this, join campus and let me know when you go for long holiday ama when you need to go for attachment, sawa?’ You join campus. Time flies and it’s now time for your first long holiday. You ring your uncle, again. ‘The economy has not improved, in fact, it has become worse. Do […]

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January 16, 2020 by